Chaos' Playground: Finding Gold in the Shitstorm

January 05, 2018 by Ben Miller in Magical Thinking

It is happening. You don't know what It is, but It is unexpected and unpredictable. You can't make sense of it. Your reality is trembling. All of a sudden, your socks have become ill-fitting sweat sponges and your dearly held beliefs seem fickle. Your to-do lists seem like a map for a world that doesn't exist. You don't know who you are or what you're supposed to do. You don't even know what you'll have for breakfast anymore because, in an instant, you've realized that you can no longer continue having the same bowl of oatmeal every morning.

This is chaos.

Before we go on, please note that I have nothing against oatmeal. I love oatmeal, but maybe someday I won't. Chaos happens.

Normally, our mind converts perceived phenomena into cohesive data to which we can rationally respond. But when chaos emerges, the mind struggles to comprehend what's happening. Because we cannot interpret the occurrence, we don't know how to respond to it.

What do I do? How am I supposed to be in this circumstance?

In this scenario, we have a few options:

1) Fight the chaos
2) Avoid the chaos
3) Welcome the chaos

The chaos is initially perceived as a lack of order. Unstable disharmony. The key to utilizing chaos as as an aid, is to recognize that its disorder is an illusion. There is order and direction to it. It just doesn't fit within our previous conception of the world.

When we are confronted with a situation that doesn't align with our habituated perception of life, the mind may want to conclude that it is inherently chaotic, totally void of direction. The mind sees chaos and panics.

When chaos comes a knocking--or, more likely, when it kicks down the doors of perception--we may be at a loss as to how to respond. Unfamiliar situations necessitate unfamiliar, creative responses if we are to progress through them. Instinctually, we may want to fight it, get rid of it, or ignore it. On the other hand, if we can welcome it and take an open, curious look at it, we will be opening ourselves up to new modes of perception, new qualities of existence, and creative (as opposed to rote) paths of action that we would not have otherwise been privy to if we had continued along the path of predictable familiarity.

Familiarity, predictability, and stability have a definite usefulness, but so does chaos. Chaos and order are tools which the mind can use in order to alter the contents of its reality.

How can we use chaos as a helpful tool?

We can welcome it.

When we encounter the unexpected, whether it be a small accident or a storm of shit in a fan, we can circumnavigate our knee-jerk desire to fight it or avoid it. We can then intentionally strive to enter the very situation that is challenging us. Rather than shutting it out or attempting to get rid of the chaos, we can be curious about it, look at it.

In the moment we open up to the chaos, we transform our relation to it. And when we transform our relation to chaos, the chaos becomes less threatening. If we act out against it or evade it, then we are treating it as a danger. If we embrace the unexpected, then it becomes a stimulating addition to our life. Our reality isn't being threatened. It is being expanded. This expansion might not be comfortable, but if we are open to it, it won't need to be so painful. If we can play with the chaos, not only will it lose its sting, but it will also become a source of joy, learning, and creativity.

If we attempt to adhere our lives to a straight and predictable line, we will limit our experience. We will have to block out anything that doesn't fit within our conditions. This might be healthy or useful in certain times, but if we continually block out anything the unknown, we will be confining ourselves within a prison of our own making. Not only that, but we will have to expend enormous amounts of energy to enforce the walls of our box so that perceived threats don't destroy our definition of life.

What happens when we willingly get our hands dirty with the muck of chaos? The world opens up! It opens up because we have opened up. Restrictions are replaced with possibilities. Threats are alchemically transmuted into aids. Illusory dangers become friends that teach us a new way to navigate the ever-fluctuating terrain of life. While we previously knew life to be a battle necessitating a constant state of fight or flight, we will instead find it to be a game of growth and playfulness.

Sometimes, we will find it easy to play with the surprises life deals us. Other times, it will feel like life is shitting a mess of terror upon our gaping face, to which it would be impossible to respond with anything but fear or anger. We each have our own special triggers that stomp on our hearts or send them beating at the pace of demon-possessed pigs running off a cliff. Even though it will be difficult or seemingly impossible to welcome these situations--or, what's more, to play with them--it is in these very situations that we have the greatest opportunity for more freedom.

The more difficult a situation is to face, the more imprisoned we will feel within it. The larger the obstacle, the more strength and creativity we will need to transmute it and move beyond it. In this way, obstacles give us an opportunity to develop previously untapped capacities within ourselves, but only if we enter the obstacle and face it with constructive intentions.

The navigation of life's obstacles and mazes might initially seem like arduous work. A struggle through which we have to sweat and break our spine under the burden's weight. This might be the mind's initial tendency, but it doesn't need to be that way!

How can it be other? How can chaos, obstacles, and the shitstorms of life be anything but hard labor?

Through playfulness.

Playfulness is like a magical force that can transmute pain and perceived danger into avenues of discovery and joy.

When we are possessed by fear, our mind will imagine all of the things that can go wrong. We will remind ourselves of all of our failures and envision ourselves repeating those failures into the grave. We will shrink away from life, feeling disconnected from ourselves and the world.

And if we play?

The world is transformed!

Even if nothing is different externally, our experience of it will be utterly transformed. When we are playful, we naturally discover new possibilities without even trying. We feel lighter, unencumbered, more capable and more inspired to do what we truly wish to do.

The secret is that chaos isn’t chaos.

If we play with chaos, we allow the unknown to become an adventure. When we play, we find that chaos is helping us by removing our self-imposed, fear-induced limitations. When we willingly embrace chaos, we will find that it isn't chaos. At first, we perceived the unfamiliar phenomena to be symptomatic of disorder and disharmony. When we observe that apparent disorder, we will find that there is an order, a structure, a progression toward harmony and cohesion--we just weren't aware of it before.

Chaos only feels like chaos if we don’t get to know it. Just because we don’t yet see the order and creative potential of an event doesn’t mean it isn’t there, it just means that we have to look for it. And the more we engage with chaos, the more we play with it, the easier the process becomes. Heck, we might even begin to enjoy chaos.

Is it easy to find these hidden qualities in chaos? Is it easy to find gold in a shitstorm? Not always, but we can begin to develop this awareness. In this practice, playfulness comes in handy. Playfulness expands our awareness and makes our minds more flexible. Playfulness increases our accessibility to creative perception and solutions. Playfulness is the magic carpet that allows us to fly through chaos and surf its currents, rather than be disheartened by it.

On my blog, you can find more writings on art and alchemical thinking, interviews about creativity, psychologically-oriented reflections on tarot, and more. You can check out past posts in the categorized list below.

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Art
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 17, 2017 Put the Potatoes on Your Face
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
- Dec 19, 2016 Wakey Wakey, Inner Kiddo
Interviews
- Jul 18, 2018 Artist Interview: Kayle Karbowski
- Jun 4, 2018 Artist Interview: Sally Nicholson
- Apr 23, 2018 Interview: Yogi Ron Katwijk
- Mar 1, 2018 Artist Interview: Lawrence Blackman
- Feb 21, 2018 Artist Interview: Samantha Blumenfeld
Magical Thinking
- Jun 21, 2023 Magick for Reshaping Life and Transmuting Trauma
- May 18, 2023 Magick is a Sentient Entity: Using the Imagination to Co-Create with Magick
- Dec 4, 2020 The Healing Voice: Wounds, Addiction, and Purgation
- Aug 5, 2019 Celebrating Your Misery
- Jun 21, 2019 White Peacocks, Constipation, and Emotional Liberation
- Aug 23, 2018 Melting a Snowball of Misery
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 16, 2018 Questions for Limitations
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Jan 5, 2018 Chaos' Playground: Finding Gold in the Shitstorm
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 7, 2017 Three Reasons to Destroy Yourself (Or Not)
- Jul 6, 2017 Nerves and Tutus
- Feb 19, 2017 Why Does Heartache Happen?
- Jan 15, 2017 Following Fear
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
Tarot
- Oct 24, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #5: Why does my skin crawl with wonder and fascination as such important relationships in my life are connected by the eyes?
- Oct 11, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #4: How long will it be until I have a new job?
- Sep 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #3: Why can't I find more hours in a day?
- Sep 3, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #2: Do abusers know they're being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?
- Aug 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #1: Why is the Present Moment So Much All the Time?
- Aug 18, 2019 Today's Tarot: Shifting Pain by Surrendering to It
- Aug 13, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Golden Devils Inside You
- Aug 12, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Moon of Self-Loathing
- Jun 27, 2019 Today's Tarot: Snot, Beauty, and Tea for Pain
- Feb 28, 2018 Today's Tarot: The World is in the Seed
- Aug 26, 2017 Tarot as a Tool for Reality Construction

Nerves and Tutus

July 06, 2017 by Ben Miller in Magical Thinking

My heart is beating rapidly. Stilted breathing. The inability to sit comfortably in my skin.

Why?

I recently performed at an open mic in Austin, my first musical performance since moving here. As soon as I got there I could physically feel the nervous fear rippling through my organs. I've performed before and seen that the pre-show fear is almost always unwarranted and disproportionate to the task at hand. Rationally thinking, there's usually nothing to be afraid of. The intimidating experience is rarely as terrifying as the preceding weariness would have me believe, often times the performance even goes well.

Where does the fear come from?

Before performing, I''m afraid that my show will be too weird, too esoteric, too inaccessible--an echo of the patterns of self-doubt graciously bestowed upon me by adolescent experiences of feeling rejected for being who I am. I'm terrified that the audience will judge me and deem my work worthless. These are the thoughts that gurgle like bile in my skull before the show. I can rationalize them. I can call to mind previous occasions that have disproved my fear. I can remind myself that the opinions of others shouldn't be the determinant of my actions.

Performing in Seoul, 2017. Photo by Soh Young Kim.

I can remember all of those morsels of mental encouragement, yet the fear will still be there, still gnawing and tearing at me. Still telling me that I'm an idiot, that my ridiculous songs will never amount to anything, that I should go home, drink, masturbate, eat, watch TV, distract myself, and return to a cave of familiar, but fruitless and unfulfilling, comforts.

On my stool in the bar, I am antsy, shifting my legs. My limbs are as restless as my mind.

While that reptilian creature of comfort in my head screams at me to GO HOME, RUN AWAY, there is still the part of me that knows this is what I want to do. This part of myself knows how much I enjoy performing and catalyzing experiences of shared absurdity and playfulness. This part of myself knows that, as nervous and dread-smothered as I feel now, I will feel even worse if I don't follow through on my creative urges.

I sit and watch the other performers. My stage time is coming up. Why am I so concerned about a minuscule ten minutes at an open mic anyway? For a moment I consider not wearing the tutu and face paint I normally don, to be a little less weird, a little more nuzzled by the warm inner membrane of my comfort zone. In the end, I decide, fuck it, if I'm gonna do it, I might as well do it right, go all out.

After all, it's just a tutu. Who doesn't enjoy a hairy man in a tutu?

I head back to the bathroom, put on my dress and face, and return to my table. A couple sets later and I'm called up. As I'm getting my gear set up on stage, a woman who sounds at once enticed and confused by my appearance says, "It's about to happen." Into the mic I say, "Yes. It's happening," and laugh at the feeling of being publicly foolish.

Addressing the audience, I tell them, "I used to live inside of my mother."

"Me, too!" someone replies.

"I don't live there anymore. It's so much more spacious out here."

I begin my song, Mr. Grizzly Sips His Milk. For the most part, my singing is wordless, comprised of guttural wailing sounds improvised to mesh with the digital instrumentation I've written beforehand playing from my laptop. I throw in a couple of nonsense lines about the pervasive presence of enchiladas in the universe.

When I feel my inhibitions attempting to restrain my expression and my action, I do my best to recognize them and go beyond them, imbuing my voice with as much presence and feeling as I can muster so that the sounds of my mouth can reach the ears of the audience and make a fluid connections with their minds, hearts, and bodies.

The qualities which I had previously feared would ostracize my performance and myself--the qualities of strangeness and silliness--seem to be the very elements that capture the crowd's attention, allowing me to take them on the auditory excursion of load-lightening humor and mind-opening absurdity that is my intention for us.

My set finishes. Contrary to all of the dread I had felt only 15 minutes earlier, the short set went really well. I was able to get into the zone, that interior headspace of uninhibited expression. The audience not only listened, but enthusiastically enjoyed it. And so did I.

It feels good. I am quietly ecstatic, already wanting to do it again.

I know that the fear will come up again. Some shows will tank. Some will connect. It will resurface in this endeavor and in all other facets of my everyday life. The fear is not something that can be out-thought or explained away.

If there is something I wish to do but which I am scared to try, the only solution is to ACT, to just DO the thing I know I want to do.

Maybe the nervousness will dissipate. Maybe it will shrink. Maybe it will grow. Maybe the fear will make a very plausible case for giving up and trying something safer, easier. Maybe it will seem that there is no logical reason to act, but if that desire to follow my curiosity and inspiration is still here, then none of that matters. What matters it to DO IT, to do it as well as I can, and to make sure I enjoy the process.

If you'd like to hear my music, you can find it here.

If you enjoyed this post, please stay tuned for regular updates to my blog here. Writings about art, dreams, tarot, and the joys and frustrations of psychological constipation and liberation.

subscribe via rss

Art
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 17, 2017 Put the Potatoes on Your Face
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
- Dec 19, 2016 Wakey Wakey, Inner Kiddo
Interviews
- Jul 18, 2018 Artist Interview: Kayle Karbowski
- Jun 4, 2018 Artist Interview: Sally Nicholson
- Apr 23, 2018 Interview: Yogi Ron Katwijk
- Mar 1, 2018 Artist Interview: Lawrence Blackman
- Feb 21, 2018 Artist Interview: Samantha Blumenfeld
Magical Thinking
- Jun 21, 2023 Magick for Reshaping Life and Transmuting Trauma
- May 18, 2023 Magick is a Sentient Entity: Using the Imagination to Co-Create with Magick
- Dec 4, 2020 The Healing Voice: Wounds, Addiction, and Purgation
- Aug 5, 2019 Celebrating Your Misery
- Jun 21, 2019 White Peacocks, Constipation, and Emotional Liberation
- Aug 23, 2018 Melting a Snowball of Misery
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 16, 2018 Questions for Limitations
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Jan 5, 2018 Chaos' Playground: Finding Gold in the Shitstorm
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 7, 2017 Three Reasons to Destroy Yourself (Or Not)
- Jul 6, 2017 Nerves and Tutus
- Feb 19, 2017 Why Does Heartache Happen?
- Jan 15, 2017 Following Fear
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
Tarot
- Oct 24, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #5: Why does my skin crawl with wonder and fascination as such important relationships in my life are connected by the eyes?
- Oct 11, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #4: How long will it be until I have a new job?
- Sep 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #3: Why can't I find more hours in a day?
- Sep 3, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #2: Do abusers know they're being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?
- Aug 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #1: Why is the Present Moment So Much All the Time?
- Aug 18, 2019 Today's Tarot: Shifting Pain by Surrendering to It
- Aug 13, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Golden Devils Inside You
- Aug 12, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Moon of Self-Loathing
- Jun 27, 2019 Today's Tarot: Snot, Beauty, and Tea for Pain
- Feb 28, 2018 Today's Tarot: The World is in the Seed
- Aug 26, 2017 Tarot as a Tool for Reality Construction

Wakey Wakey, Inner Kiddo

December 19, 2016 by Ben Miller in Art

These are notes made after doing a public performance in Seoul, South Korea, on Saturday, December 17, 2017. It is about performing, but also applicable to anyone who used to be a child.

Inside of everyone there is a child who wants to play, to be free, uninhibited. With many of us, this inner child becomes stifled over time. Grief, anger, fear, pain, and expectations from others can disconnect us from our ability to play with life and enjoy it. If we lose touch with the qualities of the inner child, we feel restricted and stuck in life. Days become burdens.

Even if it seems that those childlike qualities do not exist within us, they are still here, at least in potential. They can be remembered and reactivated at any moment.

Before my performances, I set an intention, a wish that I focus on and try to enact.

Today, I made the intention to connect with that child in the people that I encountered. I believe that, on some level, we want to let that part of ourselves come out to play, but we sometimes avoid it. It can feel vulnerable. It might seem impossible or pointless. So it stays buried.

When I performed today, I activated that child in myself and allowed his joy to come out. I imagined some of the children I teach and sought to cultivate their explosive silliness in myself. I created a space in which it would be easier for us let our guard down and permit ourselves to feel goofy--and to enjoy it.

I stood in the passageway of Hongdae subway station and visualized a tiny child inside of the hundreds of people rushing past. For the duration of the performance, I sang nonverbally, making absurd and slightly musical sounds while moving and dancing like a confused and delighted cartoon character having its inner ribs tickled by benign infants. All while wearing white face paint, a white dress, and purple tights. When making eye contact with people, I pretended that I was really speaking to that child inside of them, gently culling it forward if it felt permitted.

With some people, the child comes out right away. They smile and laugh at first sight. A few even join in. Some folks don’t care or notice. Some are irritated. With many others, they are initially perplexed but they keep looking. They make eye contact. In this moment, it’s as if they’re giving themselves to me. This is when the bridge between us is open.

In this moment, I pretend that I am speaking to them telepathically, communicating the message: “There is no need to make sense. No need to understand. No need to be serious. We can feel joyful for no reason at all!” It may sound far-fetched, but this act of mental focus affects the feeling I generate. When the spectator is open, they feel that feeling. In many cases, there’s an instant where something clicks. Their guard dissolves and we are smiling and laughing together. It can feel ridiculous and foolish, but it is the very absurdity of it that helps us to disarm ourselves and let the giggles burp out freely.

I do this because I need it, too. The effect I want to have on other people, is the effect I wish to have on myself. I could do the same actions alone in my room, but it wouldn’t be the same as doing it in public. Each time I do a public, I am met with my own inhibitions. I am met with that voice that says, “Don’t be silly. What will they think? This is stupid. This is uncomfortable. Stay home. Wear sweatpants. Masturbate. Eat a sandwich.” Realizing I have these inhibitions is the very reason I started doing it in the first place.

Each time I do it, that voice of fear and resistance is still there, but it becomes increasingly easier to disregard. Each time I act despite the fear, it becomes easier to do so. The muscle, or the funny bone in this case, grows stronger. And each I time I try, it’s a little easier and I feel a little freer. It gives me more laughter, more joy. Soon, I’ll have to look for something that makes me more uncomfortable again.

All photos are video still frames captured by Elizabeth Recharte. A big thank you to you, Liz!

If you enjoyed this post, please stay tuned for weekly updates to my blog here. Writings about art, dreams, tarot, psychological constipation and liberation, and how all of these things can be relatable and practical.

subscribe via RSS

Art
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 17, 2017 Put the Potatoes on Your Face
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
- Dec 19, 2016 Wakey Wakey, Inner Kiddo
Interviews
- Jul 18, 2018 Artist Interview: Kayle Karbowski
- Jun 4, 2018 Artist Interview: Sally Nicholson
- Apr 23, 2018 Interview: Yogi Ron Katwijk
- Mar 1, 2018 Artist Interview: Lawrence Blackman
- Feb 21, 2018 Artist Interview: Samantha Blumenfeld
Magical Thinking
- Jun 21, 2023 Magick for Reshaping Life and Transmuting Trauma
- May 18, 2023 Magick is a Sentient Entity: Using the Imagination to Co-Create with Magick
- Dec 4, 2020 The Healing Voice: Wounds, Addiction, and Purgation
- Aug 5, 2019 Celebrating Your Misery
- Jun 21, 2019 White Peacocks, Constipation, and Emotional Liberation
- Aug 23, 2018 Melting a Snowball of Misery
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 16, 2018 Questions for Limitations
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Jan 5, 2018 Chaos' Playground: Finding Gold in the Shitstorm
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 7, 2017 Three Reasons to Destroy Yourself (Or Not)
- Jul 6, 2017 Nerves and Tutus
- Feb 19, 2017 Why Does Heartache Happen?
- Jan 15, 2017 Following Fear
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
Tarot
- Oct 24, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #5: Why does my skin crawl with wonder and fascination as such important relationships in my life are connected by the eyes?
- Oct 11, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #4: How long will it be until I have a new job?
- Sep 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #3: Why can't I find more hours in a day?
- Sep 3, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #2: Do abusers know they're being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?
- Aug 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #1: Why is the Present Moment So Much All the Time?
- Aug 18, 2019 Today's Tarot: Shifting Pain by Surrendering to It
- Aug 13, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Golden Devils Inside You
- Aug 12, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Moon of Self-Loathing
- Jun 27, 2019 Today's Tarot: Snot, Beauty, and Tea for Pain
- Feb 28, 2018 Today's Tarot: The World is in the Seed
- Aug 26, 2017 Tarot as a Tool for Reality Construction