TAROT QUESTION #2: Do abusers know they're being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?

September 03, 2019 by Ben Miller in Tarot

For this series of writings, I asked people online to send me a question for the tarot and then choose a number from 0 to 21. [TW: abuse]

Question

Do abusers know they’re being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?

Card chosen

21: The World

Response

In The World, there is a fully realized being who is dancing in their own magnificence, fully embracing and expressing who they are. The World is trying to bring our attention to our essential Self. Not the fleeting fears and attachments that comprise our ego, but the deeper, truer self that exists beyond our inherited beliefs and conditioning. This essential Self is intrinsically whole, clear, and magnificent. It’s inside of us right now—it is what we ARE—but, as humans, we accumulate pains and fears that obscure our awareness of it.

The way we're treating others and the world is reflective of the way we treat ourselves. If I am being violent toward others, then it is extending from a well of violence within me. I am also inflicting violence upon myself, probably in unconscious ways. The violence could be extreme and outward, or it could be contained within the invisible recesses of my mind. The violence could be physical, emotional, mental, verbal, or sexual. The violence could be a subtle one that induces small amounts of tension or it could be explicit and severe with extremely painful ramifications.

If someone is abusing others, they are, on some level, also inflicting violence upon themselves. This doesn’t at all excuse or justify their behavior, but it can help us understand the dynamic and its root. If someone is hurting themself and others, it is because they are severely disconnected from that deeper, essential Self. This true Self is represented in card 21 by the woman dancing so divinely, gracefully, and authentically at the center of The World card.

If a violent person had more awareness of their deeper Self and their worth, they wouldn’t be hurting themselves and, consequently, wouldn’t be hurting others as much either. Instead, they are stuck in a mass of accumulated fear and misery, which will infect their relation with themselves and everyone they meet.

Back to the question. My short, immediate answer is... I don't know! This question is even uncomfortable for me to answer because I feel uninformed about abuse and have no personal experience with it.

My speculation would be that maybe there are some abusers don't know that what they’re doing is inflicting pain upon another person. And for the abusers who DO know that they are causing pain, my guess is that they do not know the full extent of their violence. Because the full extent is that they’re also doing it to themselves, and its cause is probably rooted beneath their conscious awareness. They are unconsciously inflicting pain because they are IN pain. They are in pain because they are disconnected from themselves. Again, I’m not at all justifying or explaining away violent behavior. It’s wrong and terrible. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it.

Our interactions are a result of the state of being that is activated within us. If I’m being really judgmental towards others (which happens on a daily, even hourly basis for me), it’s because I’ve activated a state of criticism that is equally imposed upon myself. I can’t hate others if don’t also hate myself. On the other hand, if I am being sincerely kind and giving to others, I am also, in the very same moment, giving that affection and caring attention to myself.

Either way, it’s like instant karma. Whatever I put out into the world, I am perpetuating within myself. It’s like tuning into a frequency, a state of being, that ripples inward as much as it does outward. Some frequencies are tuned into unconsciously, some are tuned into intentionally. And sometimes it's a little bit of both, partial awareness and partial ignorance.

On my blog, you can find more writings on art and alchemical thinking, interviews about creativity, psychologically-oriented reflections on tarot, and more. You can check out past posts in the categorized list below.

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Art
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 17, 2017 Put the Potatoes on Your Face
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
- Dec 19, 2016 Wakey Wakey, Inner Kiddo
Interviews
- Jul 18, 2018 Artist Interview: Kayle Karbowski
- Jun 4, 2018 Artist Interview: Sally Nicholson
- Apr 23, 2018 Interview: Yogi Ron Katwijk
- Mar 1, 2018 Artist Interview: Lawrence Blackman
- Feb 21, 2018 Artist Interview: Samantha Blumenfeld
Magical Thinking
- Jun 21, 2023 Magick for Reshaping Life and Transmuting Trauma
- May 18, 2023 Magick is a Sentient Entity: Using the Imagination to Co-Create with Magick
- Dec 4, 2020 The Healing Voice: Wounds, Addiction, and Purgation
- Aug 5, 2019 Celebrating Your Misery
- Jun 21, 2019 White Peacocks, Constipation, and Emotional Liberation
- Aug 23, 2018 Melting a Snowball of Misery
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 16, 2018 Questions for Limitations
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Jan 5, 2018 Chaos' Playground: Finding Gold in the Shitstorm
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 7, 2017 Three Reasons to Destroy Yourself (Or Not)
- Jul 6, 2017 Nerves and Tutus
- Feb 19, 2017 Why Does Heartache Happen?
- Jan 15, 2017 Following Fear
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
Tarot
- Oct 24, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #5: Why does my skin crawl with wonder and fascination as such important relationships in my life are connected by the eyes?
- Oct 11, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #4: How long will it be until I have a new job?
- Sep 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #3: Why can't I find more hours in a day?
- Sep 3, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #2: Do abusers know they're being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?
- Aug 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #1: Why is the Present Moment So Much All the Time?
- Aug 18, 2019 Today's Tarot: Shifting Pain by Surrendering to It
- Aug 13, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Golden Devils Inside You
- Aug 12, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Moon of Self-Loathing
- Jun 27, 2019 Today's Tarot: Snot, Beauty, and Tea for Pain
- Feb 28, 2018 Today's Tarot: The World is in the Seed
- Aug 26, 2017 Tarot as a Tool for Reality Construction

TAROT QUESTION #1: Why is the Present Moment So Much All the Time?

August 25, 2019 by Ben Miller in Tarot

For this series of writings, I asked people online to send me a question for the tarot and then choose a number from 0 to 21.

Question

Why is the present moment so much all the time?

Card chosen

5: The Pope

Response

For your question, you chose card #5, which is The Pope. I’m going to put the religious associations aside for the moment in order to relate The Pope to your question. I’m also going to imagine that, today, the pope is in your shoes.

So let’s say the Pope is feeling overwhelmed. He’s open, aware, and sensitive. His sensitivity is an asset with a lot of potential, but it can also be a challenge to manage and coexist with. Like a horse with a lot of wild energy. It can be powerful if we learn how to ride it and gently steer it without getting tossed off at every turn.

The Pope has these two little donut-heads poking and patting on his legs and knees. They are parts of himself, aspects of his inner world, his thoughts, emotions, desires, his sexuality, and his deep-seated beliefs about himself and the world. They are intentionally causing him the sense of overwhelm by which he’s been consumed lately.

WHY?!

Why would they cause him so much duress?

It may initially seem like they’re cruelly torturing him, but they are actually trying to help him.

How could giving him all of this stress and misery be helpful?

It’s helpful because there is some unmet need festering within him. Some malnourished part of his being is asking to be fed. The donut-heads have amplified the emotions of this internal need in order get the Pope’s attention. If a baby is politely, quietly whimpering in order to ask for food, and its request isn’t being heard, it’s likely to amp up the signal and start making some real noise until some food is put in its mouth.

What is the Pope’s unmet need? What can he give himself in order to receive nourishment and support? [These are questions you, the reader, could ask yourself if you feel so inclined.]

Card 5: The Pope and and Card 13 (The Nameless Card). — Card *5: The Pope* and and *Card 13* (The Nameless Card).

To represent that need, I drew a random card and placed it below The Pope. That card is major arcana XIII: The Nameless Card. This card is often called Death in other tarot decks, but I think the absence of its moniker is important. I’ll get to that in a moment.

What does card XIII have to say about the Pope’s ummet need?

XIII is attempting to tell the Pope that there is a big change he needs to make. Well, he doesn’t absolutely need to make any change. He’s welcome to do what he wants. But making this change could grant him more freedom and more creative energy.

That change might have something to do with letting go of, or distancing oneself from, something that has been in the Pope’s life, mind, and heart for awhile. It could be something he has been doing that is no longer serving him. It could be a preexisting conception of himself that is restricting him and stifling his growth and creativity. Like an elephant who lives like a mouse because it was falsely told belittle itself. But it’s a fucking elephant! With so much strength! So much power! Such immensity!

Or it could be that the Pope needs to radically shift the direction he has been pursuing. Maybe he’s been pursuing a path because he thought he was supposed to, but after traversing that path for awhile, he’s beginning to realize that it’s not the path he wants to follow anymore. XIII might be urging the Pope to notice what his heart feels drawn toward (even if it doesn’t make sense or seem “realistic”), to recognize the huge value of the heart and its guidance, and notice whether his steps are creating distance from the heart or deepening his connection to it.

Card XIII’s lack of a name is powerful because it means that it can be anything. It reflects our own human capacity to become anything, to change ourselves and our direction. Even if we feel like the way we are is the way we are and it can’t change--it can change!

Card XIII wants to make sure we never forget that we can shift. In this spread, it wants the Pope to turn his attention inward and do some intensive, but benevolent, spring cleaning. To discern what he’s been holding onto inside and start cleaning house. If it feels like he doesn’t know how to let go of it (whatever it is), he can simply try to loosen his grip. Loosen it a little bit here and there. If the attachment is so strong that he can’t even loosen his grip one iota, then it is sufficient to simply observe the attachment. He can ask himself, “Why can’t I Iet go of this? Why does some part of me feel I need to hold onto this, even though I know it’s no longer serving me? Is there a fear related to the change I want to make?”

The Pope doesn’t need to make a huge, overnight change. He need only begin to change and begin to shift his direction. He is at a threshold, standing right at the gate of a new paradigm, a new way of being and living. He can see that new paradigm on the other side of the gate, but if he wants to inhabit that potential world, then he’s got to start making steps toward it. Card XIII suggests that if he does this, there’s huge potential and creative energy waiting for him.

Metaphorically speaking, the Pope is someone who is connected to heaven. However, he’s also a human, so he has probably accumulated some psychological baggage that impairs his awareness of heaven’s existence. When I say heaven, I don’t mean some mythological resort in the sky with pearly gates. By heaven, I mean a state of being in which you can honestly say, “I’m in heaven right now!!” There might be things in our life that help us activate this state (art, lovers, ice cream, sunshine, whatever), but heaven is not inherently in those things. Those forms simply help us access that state within ourselves.

Last thought... Even if the Pope feels like he’s not currently in heaven, even if he feels like he’s in hell, heaven’s seed is right there within him. He need only find out what that seed needs in order to flourish and grow. Learning how to care for that seed can be a nonlinear, messy, lifelong process, but it can also be beautiful, delightfully tear-jerking, and inspiring. It’s a seed well worth watering!

Normally, when I do tarot with other people, the focus is on what YOU see. This is because I believe each person has the intrinsic ability to find the answers to their own questions, if given the time and space to look deeply at their psychological innards. The tarot's images, when spontaneously reflected upon, have a knack for accessing the subconscious mind (where our individual patterns of existence have their roots) and bring its contents out into the open. Through this process, we can come to a better understanding of how our inner world shapes our outer experiences and how we can consciously steer that dynamic, rather than have it be forever dictated by subconscious attachments and habits. If you’re interested in doing a reading with me, either online or in person in Santa Fe, see this page (link) for more info.

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Art
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 17, 2017 Put the Potatoes on Your Face
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
- Dec 19, 2016 Wakey Wakey, Inner Kiddo
Interviews
- Jul 18, 2018 Artist Interview: Kayle Karbowski
- Jun 4, 2018 Artist Interview: Sally Nicholson
- Apr 23, 2018 Interview: Yogi Ron Katwijk
- Mar 1, 2018 Artist Interview: Lawrence Blackman
- Feb 21, 2018 Artist Interview: Samantha Blumenfeld
Magical Thinking
- Jun 21, 2023 Magick for Reshaping Life and Transmuting Trauma
- May 18, 2023 Magick is a Sentient Entity: Using the Imagination to Co-Create with Magick
- Dec 4, 2020 The Healing Voice: Wounds, Addiction, and Purgation
- Aug 5, 2019 Celebrating Your Misery
- Jun 21, 2019 White Peacocks, Constipation, and Emotional Liberation
- Aug 23, 2018 Melting a Snowball of Misery
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 16, 2018 Questions for Limitations
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Jan 5, 2018 Chaos' Playground: Finding Gold in the Shitstorm
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 7, 2017 Three Reasons to Destroy Yourself (Or Not)
- Jul 6, 2017 Nerves and Tutus
- Feb 19, 2017 Why Does Heartache Happen?
- Jan 15, 2017 Following Fear
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
Tarot
- Oct 24, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #5: Why does my skin crawl with wonder and fascination as such important relationships in my life are connected by the eyes?
- Oct 11, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #4: How long will it be until I have a new job?
- Sep 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #3: Why can't I find more hours in a day?
- Sep 3, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #2: Do abusers know they're being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?
- Aug 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #1: Why is the Present Moment So Much All the Time?
- Aug 18, 2019 Today's Tarot: Shifting Pain by Surrendering to It
- Aug 13, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Golden Devils Inside You
- Aug 12, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Moon of Self-Loathing
- Jun 27, 2019 Today's Tarot: Snot, Beauty, and Tea for Pain
- Feb 28, 2018 Today's Tarot: The World is in the Seed
- Aug 26, 2017 Tarot as a Tool for Reality Construction

Image: Moon Poop by Ben Jon Miller, 2015 — Image: *Moon Poop* by Ben Jon Miller, 2015

Today's Tarot: Shifting Pain by Surrendering to It

August 18, 2019 by Ben Miller in Tarot

Tarot is a mirror that reflects to us whatever is circulating through our being in this moment. For the last couple days, I was feeling a lot like The Moon, whose nocturnal light summons up from the subterranean depths of the self all of the creepy-crawlie emotions that aren’t always allowed their time on the stage of conscious awareness.

Why are those creep-crawlie feelings kept at bay? Probably because they’re intensely palpable, yet bafflingly ambiguous. They are the feelings that slap you out of nowhere and baffle you, leaving you in a state what-in-the-actual-fuck?! bewilderment. They are emotions that can be exhaustingly and viscerally pervasive, yet leave you clueless as to where they came from.

When these moon-shiney tides of emotion come up, they're usually so baffling that I am left at a total loss as to what to do with them, other than just surrender to them. Not to be defeated by them (though I may certainly feel that way), but let them wash over me, and notice the specific ways they ripple through my body, thoughts, and feelings. Usually, it's some variation of pain. I try to surrender to it. See if I can watch it and listen to it, without wallowing in it.

It's easy to say all of this now, when I don't feel like shit. But last night, when I was feeling all of the aforementioned moods of WTF-bewilderment, it felt pervasive and all-consuming. If I surrender to it, it seems to shift.

How the heck does this happen?

Major Arcana XVIII: The Moon, from the Tarot de Marseille

My guess, informed by observing this recurring pattern countless times, is that when pain arises and it's distinctly palpable but its cause is difficult to discern, it's something that has been repressed. Because it's been in the shadows for so long, I don't recognize it or understand it when it first pokes its head out of the soil and into the light.

This is where surrender is key.

That pain is a form of energy within me that has been shoved deep down and told to be quiet. When pain is buried, it gets stuck. It stagnates. Like a body that's been buried, which is now rotting and festering within, the fungus of unsaid words growing out of its ears and the worms of evaded emotions sliding around its fingers. When previously repressed pain emerges (or explodes) into conscious awareness, it is finally starting to move. Even though it hurts, and probably hurts like hell, this can actually be a sign of progress because it means that energy which was once stuck is finally circulating again. Yes, it hurts. But it's moving. If it's moving, it's shifting. And if it's in a state of shifting, that means there's potential for change, transmutation, healing, and fucking MAGIC. Even while I write this sentence you are reading, it feels weird to say that pain can be transformationally magical. I know. But it's true.

What helps pain be utilized as a catalyst for healing magic, rather than a force that continually restricts us and clobbers us while taking highly inconsiderate dumps all over our heart?

Surrender!

Surrender comes to save the day like a stallion of sweet salvation riding over the hills. Except surrender usually feels less exultant and more like, "Gee, this hurts and I’d love to be feeling anything else right now, but I don't know what else to do so I guess I'll surrender and let it happen?"

What happens then?

When we surrender to pain, we allow that once-buried and neglected wound to emerge from stagnation and enter a state of circulation. That means shifting and flowing. Yes, it will hurt. But it can be a release. Sort of like vomiting up poison that was stuck in your depths. It's ugly, miserable, and messy, not to mention embarrassing if other people can see you barfing your emotional guts out, but it's transformational.

If I don't surrender to the pain, then I'm fighting it, resisting it, attempting to keep that stinky corpse of misery buried. Of course, that only makes it worse. It's going to keep on rotting and festering until its fumes seep out into my daily life with such thickness that I find myself trapped in a smoggy cloud of my own suffering.

Repressed pain comes out to be seen, heard, felt, and processed. It's an unattended wound that needs healing attention. Surrender, even though it may feel like doing nothing, even though it may feel like it's not changing anything at all, allows the pain to move, to be heard and seen, and to do what it needs to do in order to begin the healing process. The pain might not ever go away, it might not ever finish healing and reach a point where I can say, "Ta-da, everyone! I'm finally fixed and have now achieved a glorious state of unblemished perfection!" The pain might linger, but surrender allows the process of healing and lightening to begin, so that, little by little, we feel a little less trapped and encumbered. We don’t need to be miraculously fixed overnight. It is sufficient to simply put one foot in front of the other and let the shifting occur at its own pace.

Having said all of that about the value of passive, receptive surrender, there is also immense usefulness in making efforts to actively shift pain-energy. In some moments, it’s more useful to sit back and let it happen (surrender). In other times, it’s more pertinent to get up and make intentional changes. But that's a subject for another writing.

For me, when pain emerges, surrender is step one.

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Art
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 17, 2017 Put the Potatoes on Your Face
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
- Dec 19, 2016 Wakey Wakey, Inner Kiddo
Interviews
- Jul 18, 2018 Artist Interview: Kayle Karbowski
- Jun 4, 2018 Artist Interview: Sally Nicholson
- Apr 23, 2018 Interview: Yogi Ron Katwijk
- Mar 1, 2018 Artist Interview: Lawrence Blackman
- Feb 21, 2018 Artist Interview: Samantha Blumenfeld
Magical Thinking
- Jun 21, 2023 Magick for Reshaping Life and Transmuting Trauma
- May 18, 2023 Magick is a Sentient Entity: Using the Imagination to Co-Create with Magick
- Dec 4, 2020 The Healing Voice: Wounds, Addiction, and Purgation
- Aug 5, 2019 Celebrating Your Misery
- Jun 21, 2019 White Peacocks, Constipation, and Emotional Liberation
- Aug 23, 2018 Melting a Snowball of Misery
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 16, 2018 Questions for Limitations
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Jan 5, 2018 Chaos' Playground: Finding Gold in the Shitstorm
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 7, 2017 Three Reasons to Destroy Yourself (Or Not)
- Jul 6, 2017 Nerves and Tutus
- Feb 19, 2017 Why Does Heartache Happen?
- Jan 15, 2017 Following Fear
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
Tarot
- Oct 24, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #5: Why does my skin crawl with wonder and fascination as such important relationships in my life are connected by the eyes?
- Oct 11, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #4: How long will it be until I have a new job?
- Sep 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #3: Why can't I find more hours in a day?
- Sep 3, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #2: Do abusers know they're being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?
- Aug 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #1: Why is the Present Moment So Much All the Time?
- Aug 18, 2019 Today's Tarot: Shifting Pain by Surrendering to It
- Aug 13, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Golden Devils Inside You
- Aug 12, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Moon of Self-Loathing
- Jun 27, 2019 Today's Tarot: Snot, Beauty, and Tea for Pain
- Feb 28, 2018 Today's Tarot: The World is in the Seed
- Aug 26, 2017 Tarot as a Tool for Reality Construction